Maui Tropical Plantation

Visiting the Plantation was sort of an accident. 

We thought we'd be attending the Morey Slip N Slide event, but after realizing a Slip N Slide is not a water slide but infact just a lot of blue tarps duct taped together culminating in a pile of queen mattresses still incased in the factory plastic.

After a quick walk through to survey the bouncy castles and ginger lemon aid stands we wonder off and decided to keep our 80 dollars.

The Maui Plantation was pretty awesome. A very well cared for garden of sorts with industrial artwork intertwined with architecture. They used large pieces of rusty farming equipment to build unlikely arbors, entry ways, fire pits and event gathering spaces. The birds mingled at the water pools. Out in the fields further there's a Zipline course and a dozen or so other pricey locally produced wears and goods.

Which made me want to get ol'Tacowaco going again with some island inspired new screen printed tanks.

Haleakala

At the highest level tourist are allowed to travel Haleakala's signs read 10,000 feet. 

We drove up for sunset as did dozens of other people. Its a forever long drive because the roads weave up the mountain side with turns slowing down to less than 20 miles per hour. We yet again failed to get the windshield clean and the sun was positioned for blinding. 

The elevation change was noticeable. As was the lack of oxygen. Teams of crazy man bikers trailed up the road. They got a group shot under the elevation sign. I lost my breath just getting up the stairs to the elevation sign. And while I do enjoy biking there is nothing you could do to get me on that mountain on a bike. 

Institute for Astronomy Observatories

Their location here makes a lot of sense because basically you're above the cloud line. After about 9000 feet there's nothing but volcanic rock. Piles and piles of rock. They landscaped the look out point with succulents and other plants that only need air to grow.  The observatories are selfishly positioned so that as the sun sets, its blocked by the row of white buildings. I realize this might change as the earth and sun revolve. I imagine the view from one of this towers is spectacular. And the the sun rise is probably even better, since the real view in my opinion was the opposite direction. Danny was particularly struck by the mountains' enormous shadow cast on the clouds. 

The Road to Kihei

Kihei contains many of the "better" public beaches, a few dive bars, and tons of tourist shopping. If you're looking for a coconut handbag or shell encrusted hangy chimmy thingy, this is the place. But most of all its close to ma'dudes work. So we can get to the beach or whatever that much quicker. Time sensitive sun setting and the like. Yesterday I ventured the distance on my bike. It was only ten miles and its not like I had to ride back. But its a start and damn it if that wasn't a great time. The bugs in my teeth remind me of the shit eating grin that must have been plastered on my face. Mountains all around, no stops for 6 miles. Flat paved bike road. Wind might have been an issue but this ride it was on my side.

Settling in

Today marks our third week on the island. It took us a couple of weeks to construct this room in the backyard of our guest house. We used left over pieces mostly from on site, in the garage or piled over yonder. Some pieces came from a dismantled deck on the other side of the yard. Other stuff was left over from the construction job. 

The only thing needed at Home Depot was tracks for the sliding doors. Dan completed in the installation fairly quickly then spent a few more hours standing in front of the doors sliding each panel back and forth in different combinations. 

"This is fun!" he says out loud slightly casting me some attention. It doesn't last long and again he's fixated on the doors. 

They do work fantastically. All the holes and gaps and such are screened in and the rooms serving well as dwelling. Considering the weather raises and peaks at 66 and 88 there's no complaints about being outside more or less 100 % of the time. Eventually a shelve or two, some hooks and a bed frame will outfit the inside, but for now our suite cases, a lot of pillows and foam mattress complete the interior. 

I bought a tiny stool. Its my desk today as I sit on the foam on the floor attempting to design a Missouri pride logo for a Tshirt campaign. The clouds are beginning to break over the mountains but the rain is still continuing to ripple like someone a just walked through hundreds of beaded curtains. 

Arriving on Maui

We arrive on Maui after seven full hours in the air. The plane was packed and miniature. Each roll was three across. When we board, Dan was to have the aisle seat, I the window. But some gentle man was planted in the aisle so he "Could touch his wife." we were informed. 

"But what if I want to touch my wife?" I say, and glance back at Dan who's just arrived. Then I stand there dumbly and sort of just stare at everyone. Specifically the quiet single girl who is in the window seat. I use this technique quite often on planes and it's always effective. 

"I can move." she volunteers. 

With that situation settled we cram into our seats. The old man falls asleep almost instantly, never once touches his wife and sighs heavily every time we need to exit the row. They play a movie. I disclose some information to Dan, that prompts a 2 hour freeze out, he even put down the arm rest. I continued to read my book, which was getting good.

2500 miles of ocean latter we finally see land. 

Still At the Ranch

Tonight is our 7th day left on the mainland. And possibly the first day I've actually considered just going back home. 

The large portion of the day was a waste. Over wine consumption combined with a terrible nights rest resulted in a late waking. I ended up on the couch some time around 3 am. Our air mattress was sabotaged by the house cat, after 3 months of loyal service. We awoke on a wave of deflated plastic. Too late and too noisy to keep refilling. I tried of course but immediately got scolded, so I went straight to the couch. I hate being scolded. My return to the bed in the later morning was really for only one reason, which was shot down. Apparently that happened the night before, I missed it. I hate it when I lose memory. It happens too often. And the sex doesn't these days. There's not much privacy here, and a child. So gone are our days of grilled cheese served post orgasm by best friend roommates.

We watched an entire movie while drinking coffee. I made guac. Danny started a pot roast. I don't think I left the house until sunset. I stomp around the property trying not to cry about whatever tone has just pissed me off from Danny the D'. I hate watching movies. Especially more than one per day. We were on our 4th or 5th lengthy feature film. I guess I ask too many questions. So instead of bothering everyone with my speaking and inquiring about the stupidity of the new Ninja Turtle movie, I hike around the property in search of the mountain lion cat that is supposed to be around with a cub or two. 

I've always envisioned my life ending via mountain cat devouring. Excitement was in the air. I considered my options for fight should I happen to make the encounter. Surely I'm going to try to take a photo. Surely it will be blurry. I wonder if my Coors Light can will be of any diversion to the cat. If I throw it, will it be scared and run off? Or will it ignite its anger inducing a full on attack? I didn't see the cat, but a few bucks were scared shitless as I shuffled down the gravel road. 

The entire exchange reminds of the time I got mad at my parents and stormed off at night. Armed only with a walk man, I listened to Janies' Got A Gun over and over. Screaming "Run away run away" as I made laps around the duck pound in the neighboring apartment complex. When I finally decide to return I'm rather disappointed that no one even noticed my absence. 

In the present I suppose I take some comfort when Danny asked where I went to and said he missed me as he leaned over to kiss me. Naturally ignored him and continue to stay tucked behind the truck.

"Pity party of one. Now seating." Says the hostess. "I'm not hungry." I tell her. 

I end the day defacing a poster of four puppies with black sharpie with a ten year old. Mustaches all around. One had a top hat. One was a clown. The child's mind entertains me greatly. 

I think she stole my sharpie. . . 

The Ranch

"Jordan Wine. The remnants. Taste so good." Heidi explains as the first of three large bottles is popped open.

There's a lot of wine here. Not because its indigenous to the area, more because its intoxicating, delicious and cuts down on the scattering of beer cans. Beer has been given a bad name by one too many ex men. The children are so sensitive to any reminder of their past. Long days at the barn conducting RV Resort business are followed up with a round table of ladies and a bottle or 3 (or box) of red wine. Conversation is strictly about business plans. Ideas and wine flow. A food truck called the Gypsy Wagon, chili and corn bread first to keep it simple. Then on to ideas of making box wine Koozies. And hosting a farmers markets. Arts and studio time has been a common thread in all our pasts.

Daniel installed an antenna to speed up the internet today. This dude came up and asked him what was going on and wanted to know why he could not access youtube. "Youtube? the only thing blocked from the net in this park is porn." I'm assuming he dropped his gaze to the rocks and shuffled back to his trailer.

Tonight's evening was rather exciting compared to the regular days of tether ball and watching butterflies emerge from cocoons in mason jars. Some fella had gotten to rough housing his old lady. A lady in fact but from a distance she might as well been a child. 25 years old with no more than 4 feet and 2 inches between her hair and the ground. A real young couple, living in their mom's RV. Of course, he's been unemployed for a year and a half now and she's quit her job to take up school.

To add to the cliché, as it turns out, he was the same guy inquiring about the youtube. You have to wonder if maybe that was not the start of the fight.

The cops showed up did not do much other than act like dicks. The office called his mom. She got a ride to a discrete women's shelter, where they only allow two shirts and one blanket per woman. We gave her a blanket from the house. And took her dog, named Hope, for the evening. Then a kid on a bike road by and asked "Is ok if we come back down and play now that the PoPo is gone."

When he road off at least 4 adults turned to me and asked, "Did that kid just say PoPo?"

Six Flags and the Jar of Trash

They almost looked like a family. Blond locks and surfer shorts, back packs and bracelets. Everyone’s hairs are sun kissed and pool fresh. Together they link arms and hike through the amusement park. Finally! Jenn’s work required one last website update and the hotspot was taking its god damn time. Morgan and Parker whine of boredom as they continue to wait ever so compliantly for the update to progress bar into completion. Morgan’s modeling Jenn’s latest clothing creation. A black tank top with mess cap sleeves and a unicorn high fiving a taco. Its a little big since she’s only about ten years old. Jenn’s got anther design on. A hand pulled screen print with the type ZEROf*CKS in a blue to green gradient. Parker is wearing long sleeves to avoid sunburn. And Danny, its just a damn shame he needs to wear a shirt at all.

The morning started a little slow. Parker is sitting on the living room floor and started grumbling, "I don't think today is going to be as fun as I we think its going to be." 

"Huh? Why do you say that?" Jenn asks, as she watches him moan surrounded by legos. 

"My hand hurts." 

"P Arker Brown, you're just fine, lets get going."  

“Are you done yet, can we go in??” Morgan whines from the back seat.

“Dude. Don’t rush me when I’m trying to get something done it gives me anxiety and makes it take longer.” Jenn lashes back in jest.

“That’s what I always say.” Morgan retorts as she sits back down and returns to the ipad

Jenn crystal eyes Danny on the way back to her laptop and agrees, “Its true she does always say that.” He agrees. 

“Ok Ok ok. I’m done. Lets do this.” Taking a deep pull of wine off the Riesling bottle.

“Jenn, we are in Texas not St. Louis put that down.” Danny says as he packs a jar in his back pack.

Jenn disobeys and crams the bottle into her bag, grabs the the oh shit handle and catapults off the truck seat into the asphalt. As if it were a trampoline she bounces another 3 feet forward and links hands with Morgan. She turns to P Arker Brown and everyone all links up and heads towards a giant yellow and blue roller coaster. Excitedly discussing which ride or slide would come first ,they pilgrimage towards the gate. Yellow heads of hair bobbing in the wind reflect sunshine in virtual rays of positive Ora. Stopping to take photos, walking with her nose in her phone afterwards, Jenn puts a filter on them and posts them to facebook. Tags her friends! 

There’s a sizable line at the gate. Giving enough time for an email to come through requiring yet another website update. Jenn runs back to the parking lot. Since little to zero attention was paid to the location of the vehicle she’s got about zero idea where the car is. Calls Dan up. “Dude, where’s your car. OMG I’m tator tots just coming back.”

“Where are you? Oh I see you...” 

Danny watches Jenn walk with a vengeance back to his arms. They embrace and kiss. “Ewww. Stop kissing my dad!” Morgan exclaims.

They continue through the line and enter the arch way. A short brunette muffin shaped woman is searching back packs. Armed with a stun gun and a sheriff badge this bitch means business. Dan goes in first. Back pack off. The guard reaches in the back and her fingers touch the jar. “Oh let me just throw this away.” He takes the jar from her hand and disappears into the line forming behind us.

Jenn takes one last swig of wine and steps up to plate. She doesn’t get very far. The guard immediately notices the ZEROF*CKS tank top. “You can’t wear that here, we have no profanity policy.”

“Um. well it doesn’t actually say anything wrong.” Still no. “Ok, I’ll just take it off.”

“No, you have to wear a shirt.” Guard not giving any fucks herself.

“Ok. I will wear it inside out.” This prompts the guard sheriff lady to call all the other guard sheriff people and together they all stare with their heads simultaneously tilted side ways to make out the reversed type. The kids are standing there with looks of utter confusion on their faces.

Danny returns from out of nowhere and all four book it back to the car.

Jenn takes the opportunity to ferociously usb hot spot a web update. Saves the file, log on upload. Clear. Lets go back in. Danny disagrees. “Let’s just go to the river.” They children sing a series of no, and pleases, and rollercoasters and sneezes. Jenn sort of completely cosigns with the logic of “What’s the worse that could happen.”

Ok look I’ve got to switch first person for the rest. . . 

Take two, here they go again. Everyone makes it through the first gate. Just as soon as money is exchanged a round brown guard sheriff asks us to come back to the office for a minute. “No. No actually how about we don’t. We have done nothing wrong.” I protest immediately. Things progress quickly. A blur of what the fucks and children crys. At one point I’m in caught between the urge to run after Danny who for some reason ducked under the rope and ran into the crowd again. Then looked at Morgan and Parker being shielded by another guard. This one was a thick tall tan brunette with a super long pony tall. I’d like to pull it and bite her lower lip. The kids are looking at me. And I’m looking at the rope. And know I have to stay. I turn my head and see an even more official officer hand cuffing Danny. Morgan bursts into tears. Parker and I smirk at each as if to say “Well, here we go.”

I head to towards the office. I’m not quiet about my displeasure for the situation. The office is concrete and neatly packed with desks and theme park soldiers in brown stripped uniforms sporting walkie talkies and stun guns. One has a baggie containing a jar. An empty jar. Whether or not that jar contained trash was and is still irrelevant. Danny sticks to the trash story, I explain that they are ruining two children’s day and that they need to just let us walk away so we can go kayaking.

At one point, the one guard guy unscrews the jar and holds it out for the actual sheriff guy to sniff. And boy did he. Stuck his nose right up there and just smelled it.

Then they started talking crazy. Accused us of assault. Said they were arresting him. And wrote me up for being an unruly guest. “Sir your wife needs to leave the office.” I looked at him sitting calmly, arms pinned behind his back. I tucked an unruly hair behind his ear, fixed his sunglasses. “I love you.” I say as I kiss him. Then I stand up and tell the guard, “I ban Six Flags from my life.” as I snatch the pen and sign my name as big as possible. 

“I flew in here from St. Louis, those are not my kids. We have done nothing wrong, We did everything we could to comply to your rules. You need to just let us go.” I continue to stream of conscious my disapproval for the situation. I start heading back to the truck and suddenly 4 guards are hot to trot to find that damn truck. I over heard them looking for it several times on the walkie talkies. Over and over they said looking for a white truck with Californian plates. Dumb asses, we aren't from California. We're just all blond. 

Eventually four guards are marching back to the truck with Morgan, Parker and myself. We sit on the curb and strum up idle conversation as every bag, box and cranny is torn open looking for more jars. 
"The kilo of coke is under the front wheel well." I yell as they continue to shuffle around all of the stuff. There's a lot of stuff, its a work truck. "He climbs cell phone towers." I explain as one guard picks up a tool belt harness with a quizzical look on her face.

They eventually find nothing. Tell me to keep waiting because they might be letting him go. Of course not until after everyone's mother and grandmother had been called. We wait in the shady over hang of the front gate by the ropes. I try to teach the kid sun salutations to pass the time until we see Danny free and walking towards us.